when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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