just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
