I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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