That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
