My room smells like vodka and shame
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
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Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
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Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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