So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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