But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
