Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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