he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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