Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
