I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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