if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
