I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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