I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think I just sharted jello shots
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
