YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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