i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
