i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
