We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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