Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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