I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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