wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
