That's intense
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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