So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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