I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
