I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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