i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize