Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
