i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
