New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
