I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
