Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
