I wish I only lived at night.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo