apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
