my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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