i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
