you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
