just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
