I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
