Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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