The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
