Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
