I think I won the penis lottery.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
