I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still dying that you shit outside
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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