i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
