cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
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Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
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Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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