i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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