I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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