The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
