I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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