God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
