I wish I could punch you in the face.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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