How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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