you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
