I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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