i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That's how pantless uber rides happen
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
